Who Knew, I was actually making myself lonely!

The day I realized I had control. More control than I knew .

I have come to an interesting realization. Not to jump the gun, but drinking started out as a social thing; drinking at parties, gatherings, bars with friends, concerts, bin fires, etc. Drinking was (and is) completely acceptable when you are in a social gathering, everyone is doing it, it makes you more fun and likable (says the voice in my head). So here I continue, always making sure there is something to drink when I am going out. And out meant anywhere there were other people, but just outings anymore. I am making memories and friends (something I've never been good at. What a fun life I have. People want to be around me. People are even attracted to me. I tell myself all these messages which are only paving the shiny and sparkly road to the stores that sell liquor. Normalizing the daily drinking, but not even realizing I was walking a dangerous path that would one day lead me to exactly where I didn’t want to be. I was in my 20s, I was bartending, going to college, I was living my life, and I was living it up big. I think this is the problem when someone comes from a history of emotional neglect, sexual abuse, deeply embedded shame, and feeling like a social outcast, when you start to feel included socially, when you finally feel like you have friends, you grab onto to them so tightly because you're not sure when you will ever have another friend again. The parts of you that have been so lonely and social deprived are alive again, they are living the life they have always wanted; and drinking makes that so much easier. We don’t question ourselves when we drink, we don’t wonder if we are being judged, we don’t think about anything really, we just become more confident (and sloppy) and social and people like us!!!! As I am typing this, I can remember some of these moments from my 20s. I didn’t have as much clarity around what was happening for me back then, but I remember craving the social connections that I now had, and doing whatever I needed to fit in and not lose that sense of connection that I felt for the first time I could remember. And keeping those connections, one of the rules that I was telling myself, we have to drink to fit in with this crowd (and partly, there was truth to this. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of people getting drunk and messy every day when you are sober? Probably not many people). So here I had it, I finally had friends, I finally fit in, and this I suspect was the start of my dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.

Now getting back to my original point. How does one go from social drinking and partying every night, to staying home and not going out because of the booze. Well at some point over the past 15 years, I developed shame and secrecy around the drinking and it became something to hide and be embarrassed about, opposed to something that aided and ramped up social connections. The booze was keeping me alone and away from most other people because I was ashamed of it. The booze was still a social aid, and when it was acceptable (depending where I was going), I would get my drink on and go back to the 20 year old version of me that knew how to be socially connected and show up with other people. And yes, this included parties and gatherings, but this now also included lunchtime or afternoon visits with people, or pre drinking before going to spaces where drinking was less acceptable. Because, let’s be honest, I was still holding a sense of not being good enough in some way, at some level. And I didn’t (still don’t) have a lot of experience being sober in social situations, and still felt like I was just dull old me without my trusty sidekick, my drink. The more my drinking progressed, the more I would isolate. People will know, I would hear, people will judge you. And that was the exact opposite of what I wanted, that felt like disconnect, not connecting.

As I reflect on my life over the years, all of this makes complete sense to me. I went through a lot of really disconnecting experiences when I was growing up. Never fitting in with my family, feeling deeply rejected by my parents, not fitting into any of the prescribed molds that were laid out for me to climb into (and shamed for that). I had a terrible time making friends when I was growing up (probably because I was so self-conscious and already felt like an outcast when I started school), so I spent a lot of time alone. As I got older, I would try and just stand with or close to the popular kids, so people thought I had friends, so people l thought I was someone worth maybe talking to. As I'm sure you can guess, this didn’t work. Then high school came, the dreaded high school. I knew no one there, really. I remember walking the halls wanting to disappear, I remember being so worried I wouldn’t be able to find my class and I would be late, causing everyone to stare and laugh at me. Oh god, please don’t let that happen. Eventually I found my way to cigarettes and the smoking section, and started making friends. You know, friends, the people you stand around and smoke with and don’t have any meaningful conversations with at all. Friends.  As I write this, I am having a realization. Grade 9 was the start of a new idea for my adolescent brain. Social connections (for me anyways) are tied to substances; smoking, drinking, drugs. And you bet your ass this didn’t just end with my adolescent brain. This new neural connection that formed, is still very present in my life today, which leads me to the motivation for this post.

Now that I haven’t been drinking on a regular basis, I am starting to have more energy and more of a desire to get out and do things. And, I can actually drive whenever I want. I am no longer worrying about when and how many drinks I can have before I can't drive anymore. So yesterday I decide we are going out for the day, we are finding somewhere in nature that we can get some exercise and get outside. And when I say we, I am referring to my preteen son and our dog. So we pack up the truck, bike, leash, poo bags, water etc. and drive to a walking path. Today, I have a beer when we are out. I didn’t really give it much thought. Which isn’t normal for me, because usually I am overthinking the drinking and usually end up saying no. But yesterday feels different. The sun is out, we are getting outside, I am feeling good about my life and my progress lately. So, we sit down, get some food and I have a beer. Things feel okay.  We walk and bike around after, chatting away, watching the birds in the water and just enjoying the day. We spend a few hours in town and then decide to venture back home. We stop at a friend’s house on the way home because my preteen wants to have a sleep over there. When we get there, I am offered a beer. Now, there is only a couple ppl in my life who know about my problematic relationship with drinking, and clearly this isn’t one of them. I take the beer. I will have one. Now, even as I'm trying this, I am being reminded of the plethora of people that say, you cannot just have one, eventually you will fall right back into the patterns of binge drinking. Maybe it won't happen right away, but it will happen. I am holding space for this narrative; I really don’t want to blindly walk back into ‘the summer that would never end’. I am on the other side of that, please, don’t ever go back there, I hear my body pleading with me. But the thing that gets me the most is the social pieces. They are having dinner, I'm not hungry so I don’t want to stay. I have beliefs that people don’t actually want me around, they just feel like they have to put up with me. There is usually a low hum of this under the surface. So we hang out for a bit and then they are going to eat, so I decide to head out. My friend continues to let me know I'm invited to stay for food if I want. I eat a couple bites – omg it's so good – but decide that I'm leaving, I can't change my mind now … can I?  The pup and I jump in the truck and head home. On the way home I start reflecting on how much I have contributed to my lack of a social life, how much I have sheltered myself and hid away from people because of the shame of the bottle. Do people like hanging out with me? Am I a fun person to be around when I'm not drinking? And 1 beer isn’t going to make this big holy difference in my personality. So last night I was still sober, and they wanted me to stay? The realization starts to settle, omg, I've been lonely for so long. I've cried about how I have no friends (well 1 friend, I have 1 close friend), I've cried about how it's so hard to not have support or a community of people to rely on. And I have done this to myself. I let my trusty sidekick – the drink – slowly take control of my social life, my body, my mind. I let the drink selfishly keep me all to itself. Me and the drink became great friends, and the drink helps with the lonely, you feel moments of happy, or moments of being okay, and then just like a hangover, reality sets in again and you realize, right. I'm alone. I'm a loser. I don’t actually have anyone in this life. And now, I'm realizing, I did that.

Again, as I type this, it sounds depressing and low. I did this horrible thing to myself. But I actually think, this is great!! I don’t hang out with that trusty sidekick anymore. Me and her have gone out separate ways, like that one friend you finally realize is a blood sucking leech. If alcohol caused this, breaking up with alcohol can fix this. I can have a social life again, and I get to pick what that looks like. I, yes me, actually have control over my social life now. Maybe for the first time ever in my life, I have control over my social life. So today, I'm going to be social; sober and social. I'm going to embrace this new control I have and journey outside into the world of other humans and show up as sober me. Messy, complicated, still figuring out this thing called life, sober, ME!!

Sending Love and Gratitude to the ether and anyone reading this and following me, May you feel grounded from the earth below and supported from the spirit above, Continue fighting the fight of a lifetimeThe Messy Queer