I thought the summer would never end

The summer I learnt I'm not invincible.

Since the beginning of time, summer has been my absolute favorite season ever. I get warm fuzzy feelings when I lay in the sun, especially if there is weed and a comfy summer chair involved. I spend as much time outside as I can soaking up ever ray of sunshine, either in my garden, on the water, playing with the kids, or just sitting outside with a cold beer. Lets be real, there was cold beer most of the time; summer or not. But this summer was different. It wasnt the fun, happy, take lots of time off work to go camping, relaxing summer that I typically enjoy. No, this summer something different happened. You know the oh to dangerous saying, 'it'll never happen to me', well those things, they happened.

I've always been a social drinker and I'm pretty extroverted, most of the time. So naturally I was a great bartender and fit in well at parties. I grew up in a family where drinking was pretty normalized when I was young, and then both of my parents developed a problematic relationship with alchol; just in polar opposite ways. One parent demonized alcohol to no end, while the other became, what I like to call, a functional alcoholic. Growing up in this dicotomy taught me it's shameful to drink. One parent shaming the drinker and the other parent drinking in secret. I always learnt to hide my drinking from my parents, you're less than if you drink, and definitely not strong enough if you have problems putting down the drink. I started drinking when I was a teenager. I remember sneaking drinks from the coolers at parties with other kids around my age. And then drinking at parties in high school and in college, and like most of the people I hung out with, there were drugs that were dabbled in. I never thought that drinking was an issue. I bartended to pay for my college tuition and of course there was daily drinking for years, but when I left those jobs, I stopped drinking as much. Mind you I've always been a stoner. And then one day this summer, it hit me. I have a problem with drinking. I tried to prove that voice in my head wrong. I'd quit for a few weeks, but then it would always be the same again, drinking for days on end. I could go days, weeks, months without drinking, but when I started drinking, it would lead to days of binge drinking. This year, the days between binges got shorter and shorter. Then one really hard day in April, I was coming home from a party, got pulled over, and arrested. Yup, you heard that right, I got arrested, charged with driving impaired, and thrown in a holding cell. I lost about $17,000 in legal fees and my license for 3 months. So to all my thoughts that doubted the reality of my drinking, here it was, in my face, taking control of my life. And all the while, taking control and power from me.

So that summer, the summer that was supposed to be full of wonder and adventure, was full of being driven around, not being able to grocery shop without asking for help (a ride), and being face to face with the real truth; I have a problem with drinking. And that started a journey I will likley be on forever, and a path that very likely saved my life. I started getting my shit together; trying to ditch the cigarettes, the weed, the booze. Cutting out friends, assessing priorities, and diving deep within my psyche on a mission of reparenting, happiness, and clarity that can only come from deep within.

The journey began 5 months ago, and as I write this, here is my progress. Ive drank once in 26 days and have not smoked cigarettes in 8 days. I'm smoking weed on and off still, and am feeling okay with that. It takes the edge off sometimes. I do have conflicting thoughts around it; part of me wonders if I should be ditching everything, sober completely forever, another part of me doesn't want to give up weed and doesn't feel like its impacting my life in negative ways. So, for now, the weed stays.

Sending Love and Gratitude to the ether and anyone reading this and following me,

May you feel grounded from the earth below and supported from the spirit above,

Continue fighting the fight of a lifetime

The Messy Queer